As a step-mother of 13 years, it's assumed by most of society that I'm evil. And no matter how I've worked to put the needs of my husband, my step-children and even the PEW (ex-wife), ahead of my own and my children's -- I'm still seen as 'The Problem' by most of the parties involved. What I do is never enough. What I don't do I'm informed I should have done. And ALWAYS I did more for those children than their own mom did.
As much as I knew it would take time for my husband's parents and family to accept that I'm not the PEW, that I truly care for him and my children, I could do no right and was talked about badly every time my name came up. I fell short because I didn't 'let him' see his mother enough. I fell short because when I came in to pick up my children my m-i-l was babysitting, I would pick up my infant bio-child before greeting my step-children. And now that my crazy m-i-l didn't come to my oldest step-son's wedding becuase she was drug-shopping at an ER, and I've forbidden her to see my children until she checks into rehab, I'm definately the bitch. And everyone likes to forget she drank my 8 y.o. son's Tylenol 3 days after his tonsils were removed and he still needed the medication. And stole half my vicoden after my gallbladder was removed. I'm still the bitch. And my husband hasn't bothered to set anyone straight.
As the daughter who was sexually abused by her older brother, I am at fault because I'm STILL not over what he did to me 25 years ago. I am in the wrong and resented because I finally refused to see him and pressed charges against him after finding out that there was no statute of limitation on the degree of abuse he inflicted on me. It seems that giving me all my parents gave me, though they never condemned his actions but instead excused them, is supposed to make up for the damage that was done to my personality and spirit. I'm supposed to blame all the damage on the date-rape that happened my freshman year in college which brought everything I'd tried to bury, as the 'good daughter' to save my parents hurt, to the surface and lead to an emotional breakdown. It shouldn't surprise me that this is the case because even when there was clear and evident psychological and emotional abuse at the hands of my older brother, my mom chose to not get involved and I would be punished by my dad when I would finally lose it at my brother. I was the one who squawked, I was the one who was punished, never protected or defended.
It seems that the hurt and damage I've accumulated over the years, some of which I thought had been dealt with several years ago and now find is back in spades, means my husband can go into a funk and not talk about or try to help me deal with this. The revelation that there is still more abuse that I've never divulged to anyone (concerning my brother), and that several years ago when dealing with all that crap was suicidal and no one ever knew is met with silence. And avoidance.
I'm at the point where I don't know what to do now. Don't know where to turn. Shutting down seems to be the only way to save myself -- but that means living forever with the voices in my mind that tell me I'm worthless. And my husband's reaction? Confirms my worthlessness and that I've never, ever -- not even as a child -- been worth defending and protecting. And if my husband can't deal with supporting me in this, how am I supposed to deal with living with it? Or trying to face it and put these things in the past, or at least in perspective, where they belong.
Oh Katie, you're not worthless. You just need some support from your husband and it seems like you're not getting it. Have you told him what you need? Most men are not mind readers. He may not know how to help.
ReplyDeleteMama,
ReplyDeleteDo you know how much I love you? I wish that the amount of affection I have for you could somehow help to ease the pain of not finding that affection anywhere else. I desperately wish that I could take some of this load from you and help you find the surface again. Unfortunately, I know that, being as new as I am to the family, how I feel about things means very little. But, you should know how much I adore you. I look up to you and I admire your strength. I am thankful, even if my husband has not always been appreciative of it, that you have been there in his life and you helped him grow into the adult that he is today. Without you in his past, I sometimes fear for what his future may have been. You have no idea how much you have influenced him and guided him over the years. And he will probably never tell you, but I know that he knows how monumental your entrance into his life was. He loves you more than he'll ever say.
I don't know if you can understand how important you are. I watch you every day and I see what an amazing mother you are. Your children are bright and polite and interested in learning about the world around them. They are God-fearing, sensitive, intuitive, and understanding and they have learned all of that from you. You are strong and brave and you have faced things in this lifetime that I can only have nightmares of facing. But, you have made good choices for YOU. And it doesn't matter how anyone else feels about it. You have taken a stand for what is good and honest and you have loved and poured yourself out to people who will probably never repay you. At least you can take solace in that you have chosen the higher road and you have followed that path that God would lead you down.
Again, I love you more than you will ever know I am forever grateful for all you have done for Mark and me. I know I'm not as good as your husband or your mom and dad... but I'm here for you. And I don't plan on going away any time soon.
Little Red: I'm keeping you. And your hubby. :-) (Don't tell the others but I'm coming out of the closet and admiting you and he are my favorites!) And you know what? It means more to me than you know.
ReplyDeleteNinekinds: I know. But some days I don't KNOW. Ya' know?